Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Fashion faux pas

I'm sure they've been going on for years. Yes, in some cave in Lascoux, oh about an ice age ago, people were sniggering behind their hands at a tribe members inappropriate use of mammoth fur as a piece of headwear.  I can't personally take responsibility for fashion throughout the ages, but damn there's been some silly shit gone on.  Examples
Viking helmets with horns; wtf??? What drunken viking arsehole dreamed them up.
Roman helmets: you know with the dunny brush on the top, are you going to clean a loo or aquaduct when you've finished?
Bedouin face veils; you know the ones with the coins on them/made of coins. No offense intended to the muslims out there, but putting your family's wealth on someone's face is pretty stupid.
Medieval women's hats; there are too many to pick. I love wearing them for dress ups. Even made some for the kids, but really, imagine trying to keep a large triangle (or two) on your head all day.
Farthingales; there's a practical garment (not). While they kind of look cool, I'm sure they weren't, imagine trying to sit in that thing...
Ruffs; often seen with the farthingale. Imagine having that under your chin all day. I suppose it would catch any dribbles at dinner.
Doublets; puffy pants on men, who were usually wearing tights. Yeah!
Periwigs; imagine trying to keep that on all day. Bad enough for men, let alone women. Picture the type favoured by Marie Antoinette. You couldn't walk without worrying all day about your hair falling off.
Panieres; (while on the subject of Marie Antoinette), or how to go sideways through a door. I guess you wouldn't have to put up with people sitting next to you unwanted.
Pilgrim wear; need I say more?
Tri-corn hats; are you a pirate or a ship's commander?
Crinolines; vile combination of farthingales and panieres. Same problem of sitting down as with farthingales.
Corsets; you couldn't eat in the things, or breathe properly for that matter. I couldn't eat much at my own wedding in a boned bustier, I hate to imagine if they tried for the 17 inch waist (a la Scarlett O'Hara).
Bustles; now don't get me wrong, if someone handed me a dress with a bustle I'd be happy to swan around in it for a month, but it combined the corset and essentially, a pillow (size depended on wealth) at your bum???
Top hats; er, wind anyone? Are they there to make people look taller?
Spats; please tell me that they were only ever worn by dodgy gangsters in dodgy gangster movies.
Chaps;OMG
Ankle socks with circle skirts; mum tells me that people in Australia didn't actually wear those together. Thank God for that. Apparently my dad wore pink shoe laces and a lot of bryl cream in his hair (bodgie)
Beehives; oh the teasing it was quite out of control, mum says some actually stuck their heads on the ironing board and ironed away. Nowadays, we have a hair straightener for that shit.
Now we're down to my era and my, don't we have a lot of faux pas to thank the 60s onwards from.
1960s; I was a tot, so not responsible for my clobber then.
Paisley; busy, busy print
Jesus sandals
Head bands; or flowers

1970s; again young, so was often forced into clothes I didn't like.
Polo necks; garh, they were so itchy! I have never owned one since.
Crochet clothing;I had a very stylish vest made out of 2 large squares, connected by crochet straps.
Ponchos; have made an horrific comeback.
Flares; ended up quite out of control and yes, I've got some, even though I swore I wouldn't.
Boiler suits; too bad if you needed the loo in a hurry.
Platforms; no doubt responsible for many a broken/sprained ankle.
Treads; sandals made from thin woven leather uppers with tyre tread soles. I so wanted a pair as a kid, but mum wouldn't be in on it.
(think I've said enough)

1980s; will have to take some responsibility as I started work halfway through the decade.
Shoulder pads; some tops & jackets had removable ones. Why? Everyone wore them.
Taffeta; gaaarh.
Leg warmers;fame & flash dance & ONJ had a lot to answer to (oh and Jane Fonda). Mine were black, made them cool!!!
Fingerless gloves; thanks to Micheal Jackson (boys) & Madonna (girls).
Bubble gum jeans; shrank like a bastard when newly washed but stretched incredibly when put on.
Acid wash jeans; nuff said.
High waisted bathers; I had a very fetching pair in green.
Hair; sub category really. Lady Di, I had a Lady Di down as a young teenager. Floppy fringes, ditto as an older teen. Fluffy hair; never really had that til the early 90s.
(I could really go on for ever, but I won't)

1990s; ok, full responsibility, but I did get gifted quite a lot of clothes early on in the piece, still, didn't have to wear them, did I?
MC Hammer pants; better known as bog catchers, sadly back in fashion. Why, why, why?
Grungy clothes; did we all think we were Kurt Cobain?
Short, tight skirts & matching tops/jackets; I like to think of it as my rock chick look. Yeah, we really rocked it at the Cathouse in St Kilda then (or actually staggered it).
Straight hair; throwback to the 70s, I was often the envy of many with my long straight locks.
Weave perms; the other extreme (was also around in the late 80s). Tried one once, comb & go, but you had to make sure it didn't turn into dreadlocks.
Cargo pants; miss 23 loved hers so much that she took them off the line before they were dry on occasion.

21st century; turn over a new leaf
Well thankfully, I have more money, a bit more taste and there is more to choose from. Maxis are back, flares (not like in the 70s) are in, crochet's back and I've even seen glomesh tops
Gangsta tracksuits; they swish and they sit below where they bloody should.
Low slung jeans/pants with midriff tops; ah the muffin top.
Big sneakers; skatie sneakers
Phat pants & fluffies; favoured by ravers.
Mullet haircuts; again! It's not only boys, but girls too.
French nails; oh the smell of the salons, the staff are all Asian (why?) and they're just tacky.
Brazilians; thankfully you can't see them generally. I know it's an age thing, but who the fuck wants to look like a pre-pubescent girl?

I think I've said enough, it's someone else's turn now.

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